“Can someone tell me where I am, I seem to have lost my eyes.”

So many people have depression.  Yet, so many people don’t seem to understand it, or what happens when you let it get ahold of you and control your actions.  You’ll say things you don’t mean, do things you normally wouldn’t, and, after it’s all over, you’ll sit up one day as if waking from a nightmare.  Depression is like constantly walking around in the haze of a bad dream, except it’ll follow you wherever you go.  Like a shadow.  The problem is, if you don’t have the right people, they might not understand the concept when you say “I was just depressed and overwhelmed.”  The apology may not fix what you’ve done with someone who doesn’t understand.

The closest people, though, are the ones who’ve been there and can empathize with your situation.  The people who can say “It still hurt, but I understand.”  Not, perhaps, that they forgive you, but that they at least, out of all the millions in the world, understand what it’s like.  The people who you’ve hurt, but still stay with you because they know that they want you in their life. Those are the friends you’ve been looking for your entire life.

The worst part of depression, though, is the hopelessness.  The fact that you have no control leads to desperation, sadness, hopelessness, and torment, which then can often lead to people lashing out with anger and panic at each other.  The depression will come in stages.  The first stage is desperation, because with depression, you can see it start to happen to you, but you cling to the little you have in an attempt to keep your sanity.  You’ll wake up one day, or sit down in a chair and your hand will find your chest because it almost feels like someone is drilling a hole straight through you.  Its a hole no disney music and warm tea can fix.  And then you move onto letting the depression really set in.  This is the phase where people become tired and don’t want to do anything.  You feel so hollow that you honestly want to give up on trying.  Maybe you stop talking to people, or barely speak a word to anyone, or sleep in bed all day.  Then you reach a point where its impossible to move anymore, no matter how many times someone shakes you or yells in your ear.  You just stop caring, and that is when depression takes over you.  It’ll be like falling asleep and then someone else is running your body.  Words will come out of your mouth and you wonder how you could ever be so jealous, or rude, or unkind because it just isn’t like you.  But you accept it because its at least better than not speaking at all.  At least your functioning and talking to people.  At least your still going.  And then you wake up one day in shock and horror at how dysfunctional you really have been the entire time.  So, maybe, you sit in bed and just start to cry, but for the rest of the day you can’t shake the eternal dread of that feeling coming back.  You sit in agony because you know one day it will come back and you’ll have to go through it again.

It hurts.  You tend to shut people out because you don’t want to end up hurting them.  For me, though, I woke up one day and realized that, no matter how much I’ve hurt or fought or masked myself, people have started to rely on me little by little.  My circle grew from one person to a lot of people all holding me up and supporting me.  Then there is always the one hand that’s holding mine even if everyone else leaves or gets scared.  I no longer feel simply pressured by people because everyone relies on me, but feel more comfortable relying on the others around.  My strength isn’t only just spent on others, but replenished by others.  That makes the pain a little easier to handle.

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Art by Destiny Blue on Deviantart.

“Say sorry for who you are once and you’ll never stop apologizing for it.”

“You.”

“You.”

“I need you to apologize.”

“But what am I apologizing for?”

“You hurt me.  You screamed at me and cursed at me.”

“I was hurt.”

“So was I.”

“So were we all.”

“Why can’t you just swallow your pride and say you’re sorry?”

Because I’ve swallowed it so many times.  I swallowed it for years for the benefit of watching you squander it all away.  I apologized for overstepping my bounds that you set, even when I didn’t want to.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.  You stole him from me.”

…Stole?”

“…”

…stole.”

“Fine.  I’ll apologize.  I’m sorry.  For all the times I smiled and let it go, and all the times I apologized for getting too close.  I’m sorry for being upset over something so simple as a betrayal of my trust from my friends.  I’m sorry I ached and hurt, and I’m sorry I got scared of the idea of feeling something so deep.  I’m sorry I ran away and hurt him to begin with.  I’m sorry.  I’m so very sorry.”

You’re mean.”

“But you knew that.”

I guess I just ignored it.”

Ignored it.  She ignored who I was the entire time because it never was problematic.  But now I’m cruel because I took action and she didn’t like it.  I could say I’m sorry, but I can’t lie anymore.  I’m not sorry.  I’m so happy that I was finally special enough to someone to be picked first.  My entire life, I had been used to being a secondary option to the person next to me.  Always picked last in games, always turned down for my best friend, always feeling I wasn’t ever good enough.  I felt like that item with a dent in it.  Always pushed a little more towards the back until I’m the only one left and someone has to take me.  I started apologizing for myself a long time ago, so it just became a habit to say it when someone gave me a strange look.  I can’t apologize anymore.  It would be an insult to the few people who decided to put me first in their lives.  It would be as if to say their taste was sour.  I won’t swallow my pride anymore for the sake of another.  I won’t wait on the side until someone is done, or stay when someone asks to be alone with their friends.  I refuse to be a secondary option to anyone, even a princess.  Princes and princesses are on the same level, after all.  I have the right to stand toe to toe with those around me and never say sorry because someone bumped into me and got hurt.  I’m not sorry. I never was.

 

“…I guess you should open your eyes then.”

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“One lazy angel, but I guess – you’re an angel – so you can afford to be lazy.”

People: why do you think you don’t need feminism?

Me: It’s not that I don’t need or do need anything.  I just don’t get why we all need to put labels on different kinds of attempts for equality.  I honestly don’t see why we need to label anything.  Why can’t we all just look at ourselves in the mirror, reach out, touch the glass, and say with a small smile, “this is who I am.”  So many people in this day and age grow up feeling uncomfortable in their own skin.  If what you call feminism is an attempt for women to be the same as men, then you have your answer as to why I don’t.  I am not a man.  I am not the same as a man.  I have different curves, different pieces, and different thoughts in my head.  Women and men are not the same and are not equal in all things.  Some things women tend to be better at, and some things men tend to be better at.  Now, am I not saying that women do not deserve to be treated as more than objects for viewing pleasure or to be treated as less than men because they are not the same? No.  I am saying that too many people seem hellbent on eliminating the differences between males and females.  We constantly claim that differences are to be embraced, and yet I’ve had so many women spit in my face and say I don’t like my own sex because I believe in covering myself and not making others around me uncomfortable.  I believe that people all need to have their own beliefs on how they do things, and that if everyone could just learn a little respect and understand that being “offended” literally does nothing for them or anyone else, then the world could run more smoothly.

I’m just getting sick of the way people view me as woman.  Either I am an offense to my gender because I believe that the job needs to get done whether you’re male or female, or I am an offense because I believe in backing down to someone if they’re going to get the job done better.  If I need to take a hold of a situation, then I will, but if someone, even – god help us – a man, is doing better than me, then I will be more than happy to let them continue.  If this idea of feminism is needing to be better than the other sex in everything and that women are superior, then that in itself shows a vital flaw in the idea that can be seen as inferiority.  The sexes are not at war.  They are supposed to be in balance – pieces to complete each other.  Equal pieces.  If I’m intimidating to you, then why aren’t you stepping up to the challenge?  Why is it always my job to come down to your level?  If I’m an offense, then be offended.  It’s not like it effects me any if your feelings are hurt, no matter what way you look at me.

In the end, my quickest answer is, I don’t believe any of these labels need to exist.  I think in general we are all looking for “equality” and not to be the same.  At least, that’s what I’m looking for.

“I’m not going to wait on some man to tell me who I should be.”

I keep hearing people around me talk about getting married and falling in love and having kids, when they’re about 16 years old.  Now, am I saying that’s a bad thing? No, I’m really not.  If one of your dreams is that then I’m all for you going for it.  What I’m more concerned about is these girls who have this idealized version of marriage, because a lot of times that will easily lead to misconceptions on what marriage is and why you get married.  There is a fine line between loving someone and wanting to make them better and trying to change someone to fit the idea in your head.  So, here are some common pitfalls young girls often fall into when they’re in love.

  1. Moving too fast in their head.  You cannot immediately jump to “we’ll be married have lots of kids” when you are so young.  Just enjoy their presence right now and focus on your schoolwork young lady.
  2. Believing that have to do whatever he wants to keep him around.  If a guy is pressuring you into having sex with him and says he’ll leave you if you don’t, then let him leave.  You do not want to be in a relationship where you do not have a say in things that belong to you, especially your body.
  3. Justifying a relationship to others.  If your friends are telling you things, you do not have to justify your actions to them.  Just understand that they are giving you their opinion and you just need to listen.
  4. Not understanding their own feelings before entering a relationship.  A lot of girls don’t even understand what love is, so they’ll get in over their heads and end up hurting themselves.  Always make sure you know your feelings before getting involved with someone.
  5. Not understanding the guy you’re dating isn’t perfect.  I know it sounds weird to say that, but it is something girls need to understand (and guys for that matter).  He isn’t perfect and you’re never going to be able to shape him into this mold of prince charming.

My biggest thing about being in love is that you have to be very careful about not trying to change yourself or the other person to fit your idealized visions.  There is no fairy tale.  It’s reality.  It’s life.  Does that mean life can’t be like a fairy tale? No, it just means that he’s just a man, not some perfect thing.  He’ll make mistakes, say things that upset you, and you’ll fight.  Marriage isn’t rainbows all the time.  It’s fighting and working it out.  The world is hard, and you can’t just give up because stuff gets hard.

“I don’t want to wear a dress. They’re downright suffocating.”

Prom season is here/coming up for most of you guys.  Here’s my list of dos and don’ts for prom night 🙂

Dos:

  1. Wear the dress.  So your mom is a little offput by your so called style.  So you don’t want something glittery or sparkly.  Girls and guys alike, wear what you want.  Dress formal, but add your own twists to make it your own.  It’s your prom dress/tux.  It’s your night.
  2. Go in general.  I recently had a friend who said she didn’t want to go to prom because her boyfriend had just broken up with her and she didn’t want to go stag.  GO STAG.  Screw him and everyone else.  You have one prom night, so make it an awesome one that will make said person/people jealous of your nerdy, cool dancing skills.
  3. Take pictures.  You want to remember this night for the rest of your life, so take lots of pictures to show your older self how much fun you had.  Post some in the comments for me to see 🙂 (is that even possible?)
  4. Dance with everyone.  One of the biggest things me and my best friend do when we go to dances is dance with every group on the floor.  You know how it gets.  The little circles form of the friends.  Burst into their dance parties and show them that they’re just as cool as everyone else.  For everyone’s sake, don’t make prom clichy.  Please.
  5. Slow dance with your date at least, least, once.  I can understand if lots of people want to slow dance with you, but you need to at least save one dance for him or her because you chose them especially to go with you.

Don’ts:

  1. Do not get wasted and try to drive anywhere.
  2. Do not waste your future with unprotected sex.
  3. Do not punch anyone (unless they’re assholes.  Then punch them.)
  4. Do not do anything while you’re there (drug wise.)
  5. JUST DON’T DO ANYTHING STUPID, OK?

One of the biggest impacts anyone has ever made on me was this one guy who dragged me into a rave even though I wanted to sleep in a corner (it was late ok?) and pushed me into the crowd.  When I grumbled about it, he looked at me and said, “You’re not drunk, why not dance?” At first I thought he was crazy and had it totally backwards.  Now I realize, though, that he was totally right.  You should want to dance, not need coping mechanisms to let loose and have fun.  Wow, Rebel, way to never realize that you dull, thick child.  So, just have fun and don’t think you need anything to boost your confidence.  Adrenalin does enough of that on its own.  Do fun things.  Don’t do stupid things.  Simple?  Good.

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Wear the dress.  Quote is from a story of mine.

“Why not try being yourself for once?”

Ahaha the fateful moment came for me, friends.  That moment when someone looked me dead in the eyes and said “writing isn’t a career.”  Well.  WELL.  Let me tell you, good sir, what I think of that statement.  Nothing is a career unless you train, you study, and you make money off of it.  A degree in technology isn’t a career unless you get a life long job in your field with room for advancement.  Writing is a career free of many of the boundaries you find necessary.  We determine our own boundaries or how much we succeed in our field by the time, the effort, the late nights of panicked scratching, the early mornings of balling it all up and throwing it away, the scrawled out drawings of characters, the notebooks filled with ideas, the chasing down of agents and publishers until you find the only one who will accept your manuscript, the constant insults and criticisms of our work based on someone’s popular or unpopular opinions, the editing five or six times until you know your manuscript so well it becomes impossible for it to be entertaining to you anymore, the self criticism and judgement over what and how we write.  After all of that, when we’re lucky to have one person enjoy it and publish it, you look at us in the face and say that isn’t a success.  We don’t save the world, or lives, or jobs.  We don’t spur the economy or comfort the mentally ill.  We just write a bunch of useless words on a blank page, right?  WRONG.  So, very, very wrong on so many levels.

We pour our souls through a pen, exposing ourselves willingly to your brash words and the words of others like you.  We save lives.  The lives of those who had no other reason to live on before reading one simple line in a book, or novel, or script, or story and viewed it as their inspiration for going through another day.  We spur things.  We spur the imagination of a child living in a cruel reality.  We give people an escape from the reality of their lives, or we present them a cold dish of reality that they didn’t want to see.  Writers have purpose behind every single word that goes onto the page.  Every subplot contributes something.  Every character has something to give the reader.  Writers, true writers, don’t write because we know it’s going to make us money.  We are all well aware that it is very likely we’ll never make a penny.  We write because we have to.  We write because, if we don’t, we’ll end up going mad from the words constantly going through our minds every day and night.  We write so that a small child can read a book and suddenly understand more about themselves than they had before.  We write so that an adult can read a book and ball their eyes out that they had never seen such an obvious truth in our society, etc.  You’re right.  We contribute nothing to society other than a bunch of words on a page.  Words that paint such a vivid picture in a person’s mind that they can close their eyes and still see it.  Do you think that’s easy?

People do not always have some ulterior motive behind what they do.  Not everyone in the world has a job because they want the money or the respect that comes along with it.  Writing is a career because it is a lifelong dedication of time, health, mind, and heart with no real reward awaiting us other than seeing someone smile at reading the written words on the page.  We relish in the emotions of those that read.  That is our payment.  Writers write because they can’t be heard.  There is so much noise in the world, that the visual truth is much more effective in gaining a desired effect.  Books aren’t dead.  Writing is very much alive in this world.  It is the reader’s that are dead.  Reality has pressed so many into an unimaginative mold of money, job, and marriage.  I write because I have passion and a vehement refusal to sit in a mold.  If you don’t acknowledge my dedication, then you are the one who has failed me.  Writing is my career.  Writing is my life.  Writing is my very soul.  If you think you can make me change with the promise of money and greatness, then you are sorely mistaken my good friend.  I’d rather be poor, homeless, hungry, than give up writing.  I’d buy a pen and notebook before I’d buy food.  Keep your motives and I’ll keep mine.

And that is what I think of your statement.

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Ironically, my quote comes from my book 🙂 Did I sound angry? Because I feel angry.

Sad quotes from my book series that make me sad…

“Sorry, Miss, if you don’t mind me asking, what is that on your neck?”

“Just a memory that I never wanted to forget.”

“It’s a phoenix wing, the symbol of reincarnation.  Were you reincarnated?”

“In a sense I was, but I think I would have much preferred the last life.”

 

“Is it more important to remember who you were, or who you need to be?”

“I don’t know.  Is it more important to live as if you were dying or to die as if you’ve been living the entire time?”

 

“I never got to tell him that I loved him.  I never took the time to make sure he knew!”

“He knew.”

 

“My life was written out as a tragedy from the very first day I stepped into this hallway.  I just never knew that it would turn out quite so happy in between.  It just makes the pain all the more bittersweet, doesn’t it?”

 

“Don’t worry.  We all have demons.  It’s the choice of whether you control them or they control you that makes good and evil.”

 

“I have to leave, or else they may never have the peace they deserve.”

 

“Destiny is something we tell ourselves so that we have an explanation of why we change so easily.”

 

“Never forget me, but, please, never remember who I am.”

 

“If you walk through that door right now, there will never be a way to come back.”

“That’s what I’m hoping.”

 

“They say that a goodbye is a word to end something, but I say it’s a word to release someone.”

 

“Is she a Demon? Angel?”     “Human.”

 

“So, any human that is born with dark energy instead of light will eventually turn into a demon.”

 

“All that time I spent looking for a way out of it…All that time I wasted trying to fight or avoid fate.  Now I know though, that I needed to do neither of those things.  All I needed to do was live.”

 

“It’s good to know that, even after all this time, she’s still the same woman.”

 

So, I’m making an art piece and I decided to incorporate these quotes from my series.  The piece is supposed to give this kind of sad description of the main character Avana Black.  I took quotes about her and from her, and I’m adding these photos as well.

I’ve been making myself sad all week coming up with this stuff 😦 I do love it though, and I think it will be awesome once I’m done 🙂  A couple of these used a character called Alberona as a base for the facial structure.  She’s from Fairytail.

“You’re an idiot – handsome, but an idiot.”

Dear young adults living their lives,

Here are 5 things to keep in mind while going about your day to day lives:

  1. You can find someone hopelessly attractive and still hate them.  Being pretty is never the cure to being an asshole.  Although, it has gotten me out of a couple situations.
  2. There is such a thing as loving someone without being in a relationship.  Siblings have it, and, a lot of the time, opposite sex friends have it.  Just because they’re nice, handsome, etc. doesn’t mean that everyone in their life loves them that way.  Get that through your thick skull, bro.  Sorry, personal message to a narcissist.
  3. Life can really suck sometimes.  It’s true, admit it.  Life isn’t always rainbows and sunshine, but normally the reason is our own faults.  Swallow your pride and see it.
  4. Doing drugs, drinking, getting tattoos or piercings, and cussing doesn’t make you look any more adult.  Maturity is based on your actions.  A guy can have all the wholes and tats he wants and still have a steady job and love of God.  If you think you look cool like that, just stop.  You’re much cooler if you’re educated, have a job, and have a license.  Get tattoos and piercings only if you want them.
  5. If you wanna be cool, then just be yourself.  Some people are just naturally “cool” (like me.  Naturally chill, relaxed, but fun), but you can’t force yourself into anything you aren’t.  IT’S OK TO LIKE PANDAS AND SHOUJO.
  6. Haha you thought I lied about the 5 thing? Secret number 6: PEOPLE LIE.  Don’t lie.  Being honest is a lot more painful to others usually.

Nice short post tonight, but still important.  Don’t worry.  I’m here for you, and never be afraid to comment and ask something or vent your problems.

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Basically, this is my advice for you tonight.  The quote is another one from my book Dark Energy.

“When you stop being an ice mage, I’ll kiss you.”

I turn my face away when he leans in closer to me, still laughing slightly, “I’ll make you a deal.” I say in distaste, “When you stop being an ice mage, I’ll kiss you.”

“But that’s never!” He cries, stumbling back a ways and almost falling over.  I lunge forward and grab him, just in time to keep him on his feet.  Without a response, I sling his arm around my shoulders and set off down the street.

 

I wish there was a person for everyone in the world, that could be a kind of advocate to everyone else in the world.  Someone who could tell the others who that person really was, and defend them in the face of judgement by society.  Especially when it comes to love.  I wish it were like anime, where everyone has that childhood friend and there is always one scene where the friend is just like “look, this is who they are.”  I am a very open person when it comes to my personality.  Something I’ve struggled valiantly with over my life as I try to push past the fear of judgement by others.  So, as encouragement for others to do the same, these are some things you’d never dream about me when you first meet me.

  1. I have horrible social anxiety around others.  I come off as an extrovert, but I am always playing over every word in my mind and trying to gauge people’s reactions so I don’t come off as loud or obnoxious.  I get easily embarrassed by it, though I’ll never show it.
  2. I am terrified of the ocean.  I have such a fear of it, that even seeing it on tv makes me tense and uncomfortable.
  3. I absolutely love classical music in all its forms, whether its piano, orchestra, opera, etc.  If I could, I’d listen to it all day on the radio instead of the pop or rock or country that’s always on.
  4. I am terrified of my own memory.  Recently, I’ve been having a lot of issues with memory and remembering things that normally I would, and it terrifies me to my core.
  5. I’d love to wear makeup and skirts and high heels every day.  I come off as a serious tomboy, but I love mini-skirts, or long skirts, and I love wearing high heels (I love feeling above all ye peasants.)
  6. I love animals a great deal.  Maybe I don’t like all cats, but I do love animals a great deal.  Dogs, cats, lizards, snakes, and even birds (unless they are possessed by the devil).
  7. I have a great love of exotic things.  I love learning about exotic plants, learning different languages and cultures, and trying exotic cuisine from all over the world.
  8. I am very judgemental of my abilities.  My art, my writing, my singing, my languages, any of it and all of it.  I am always putting myself down and saying I’m not as great as others I see.
  9. I struggle with suicidal thoughts on a regular basis.  I can’t help it with the severe depression I have.  The thought crosses my mind, and even though I immediately get rid of it again, it’s still always popping up.
  10. I’d love to be the wild-child, free falling type of girl.  I’ve always wanted to be a person who just lives every second of their life to the fullest.  No matter what I do, though, I always feel an essence of containment from any number of factors.

I think it’s important for people to understand that showing off your true self to the entire world is an amazing thing.  Is it difficult? Hell yes.  Does it leave you open to a lot of pain? Most definitely.  I’ve been hurt by people on many occasions because of how open I am about my fears or dreams.  People have used me in the past, others have left me because of it.  But being yourself and understanding your own flaws and talents is something that’s important to getting places.  You have to know who you are before you can start to make changes and improve yourself.  Scars make you a newer person than you were before.  Take the leap and jump in the pool.  Yeah, it’s hella cold now, but it warms up after a bit.  Life isn’t just to get a nice tan.  Get soaked and dunk your friends.  And never be afraid of who you are or the things you struggle with.  You are broken, but you are still a human.  You are still alive and should live because of it.  Now you know me.  I hope you can relate to some of these things.

Quote is from my book Dark Energy: Lanoria.