“Can someone tell me where I am, I seem to have lost my eyes.”

So many people have depression.  Yet, so many people don’t seem to understand it, or what happens when you let it get ahold of you and control your actions.  You’ll say things you don’t mean, do things you normally wouldn’t, and, after it’s all over, you’ll sit up one day as if waking from a nightmare.  Depression is like constantly walking around in the haze of a bad dream, except it’ll follow you wherever you go.  Like a shadow.  The problem is, if you don’t have the right people, they might not understand the concept when you say “I was just depressed and overwhelmed.”  The apology may not fix what you’ve done with someone who doesn’t understand.

The closest people, though, are the ones who’ve been there and can empathize with your situation.  The people who can say “It still hurt, but I understand.”  Not, perhaps, that they forgive you, but that they at least, out of all the millions in the world, understand what it’s like.  The people who you’ve hurt, but still stay with you because they know that they want you in their life. Those are the friends you’ve been looking for your entire life.

The worst part of depression, though, is the hopelessness.  The fact that you have no control leads to desperation, sadness, hopelessness, and torment, which then can often lead to people lashing out with anger and panic at each other.  The depression will come in stages.  The first stage is desperation, because with depression, you can see it start to happen to you, but you cling to the little you have in an attempt to keep your sanity.  You’ll wake up one day, or sit down in a chair and your hand will find your chest because it almost feels like someone is drilling a hole straight through you.  Its a hole no disney music and warm tea can fix.  And then you move onto letting the depression really set in.  This is the phase where people become tired and don’t want to do anything.  You feel so hollow that you honestly want to give up on trying.  Maybe you stop talking to people, or barely speak a word to anyone, or sleep in bed all day.  Then you reach a point where its impossible to move anymore, no matter how many times someone shakes you or yells in your ear.  You just stop caring, and that is when depression takes over you.  It’ll be like falling asleep and then someone else is running your body.  Words will come out of your mouth and you wonder how you could ever be so jealous, or rude, or unkind because it just isn’t like you.  But you accept it because its at least better than not speaking at all.  At least your functioning and talking to people.  At least your still going.  And then you wake up one day in shock and horror at how dysfunctional you really have been the entire time.  So, maybe, you sit in bed and just start to cry, but for the rest of the day you can’t shake the eternal dread of that feeling coming back.  You sit in agony because you know one day it will come back and you’ll have to go through it again.

It hurts.  You tend to shut people out because you don’t want to end up hurting them.  For me, though, I woke up one day and realized that, no matter how much I’ve hurt or fought or masked myself, people have started to rely on me little by little.  My circle grew from one person to a lot of people all holding me up and supporting me.  Then there is always the one hand that’s holding mine even if everyone else leaves or gets scared.  I no longer feel simply pressured by people because everyone relies on me, but feel more comfortable relying on the others around.  My strength isn’t only just spent on others, but replenished by others.  That makes the pain a little easier to handle.

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Art by Destiny Blue on Deviantart.