“When you stop being an ice mage, I’ll kiss you.”

I turn my face away when he leans in closer to me, still laughing slightly, “I’ll make you a deal.” I say in distaste, “When you stop being an ice mage, I’ll kiss you.”

“But that’s never!” He cries, stumbling back a ways and almost falling over.  I lunge forward and grab him, just in time to keep him on his feet.  Without a response, I sling his arm around my shoulders and set off down the street.

 

I wish there was a person for everyone in the world, that could be a kind of advocate to everyone else in the world.  Someone who could tell the others who that person really was, and defend them in the face of judgement by society.  Especially when it comes to love.  I wish it were like anime, where everyone has that childhood friend and there is always one scene where the friend is just like “look, this is who they are.”  I am a very open person when it comes to my personality.  Something I’ve struggled valiantly with over my life as I try to push past the fear of judgement by others.  So, as encouragement for others to do the same, these are some things you’d never dream about me when you first meet me.

  1. I have horrible social anxiety around others.  I come off as an extrovert, but I am always playing over every word in my mind and trying to gauge people’s reactions so I don’t come off as loud or obnoxious.  I get easily embarrassed by it, though I’ll never show it.
  2. I am terrified of the ocean.  I have such a fear of it, that even seeing it on tv makes me tense and uncomfortable.
  3. I absolutely love classical music in all its forms, whether its piano, orchestra, opera, etc.  If I could, I’d listen to it all day on the radio instead of the pop or rock or country that’s always on.
  4. I am terrified of my own memory.  Recently, I’ve been having a lot of issues with memory and remembering things that normally I would, and it terrifies me to my core.
  5. I’d love to wear makeup and skirts and high heels every day.  I come off as a serious tomboy, but I love mini-skirts, or long skirts, and I love wearing high heels (I love feeling above all ye peasants.)
  6. I love animals a great deal.  Maybe I don’t like all cats, but I do love animals a great deal.  Dogs, cats, lizards, snakes, and even birds (unless they are possessed by the devil).
  7. I have a great love of exotic things.  I love learning about exotic plants, learning different languages and cultures, and trying exotic cuisine from all over the world.
  8. I am very judgemental of my abilities.  My art, my writing, my singing, my languages, any of it and all of it.  I am always putting myself down and saying I’m not as great as others I see.
  9. I struggle with suicidal thoughts on a regular basis.  I can’t help it with the severe depression I have.  The thought crosses my mind, and even though I immediately get rid of it again, it’s still always popping up.
  10. I’d love to be the wild-child, free falling type of girl.  I’ve always wanted to be a person who just lives every second of their life to the fullest.  No matter what I do, though, I always feel an essence of containment from any number of factors.

I think it’s important for people to understand that showing off your true self to the entire world is an amazing thing.  Is it difficult? Hell yes.  Does it leave you open to a lot of pain? Most definitely.  I’ve been hurt by people on many occasions because of how open I am about my fears or dreams.  People have used me in the past, others have left me because of it.  But being yourself and understanding your own flaws and talents is something that’s important to getting places.  You have to know who you are before you can start to make changes and improve yourself.  Scars make you a newer person than you were before.  Take the leap and jump in the pool.  Yeah, it’s hella cold now, but it warms up after a bit.  Life isn’t just to get a nice tan.  Get soaked and dunk your friends.  And never be afraid of who you are or the things you struggle with.  You are broken, but you are still a human.  You are still alive and should live because of it.  Now you know me.  I hope you can relate to some of these things.

Quote is from my book Dark Energy: Lanoria.

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