“Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.”

I keep seeing all these posts on facebook and tumblr about being an adult.  About how its all boring, tiring, and pushing forward.  Those posts make me so pained.  Is that all I have to look forward to? Pushing, trudging on, just doing what I need to to make it through another day.  If that’s what it really is, then you can keep that future.  That future is not something I’d like to partake in.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I am well aware there will always be days where it’s all that you can do to get through, and there are hoops everyone in the world has to jump through.  But I cannot accept that that is all there is waiting for me in the future.  I want so much more from life, and being the very stubborn, selfish person I know I am, I will have it.  You cannot tell me to just sit back and let my future unfold in a curtain of greys and blacks.  I demand to have color splashed all over my canvas in messy handprints, footprints from running, dramatic brush strokes of memories, and splashes of dark and light to contrast each other.  Likewise, I want my clothes and skin to be permanently marked.  I need to display the life I’ve lived in all the scars, all the marks and blemishes.  I refuse to believe that life is just a series of steps I have to take.  I refuse to be restricted to a set of stairs, leading up to my inevitable death and life beyond.  I want to take the stairs in leaps and bounds, and, when I reach the top, I want to be sweaty and panting and able to look back at all the paint I’ve splashed all over the canvas draping down my set of stairs like a carpet of life lived, just waiting to me reviewed by someone else.  I want that person to be inspired, and to be in awe of the things I’ve managed to do in such a short span of time.  Not that I want to rush through life, but I want to feel that on my death bed as I look back at the things I’ve done, I have lived as if my lifetime had been a beautiful splash of memories all wrapped into one, long, extended moment.  Maybe our lives are not meant to be a serious of moments, but one long moment of memories and feelings all tied in with peace and rest in those seconds of needed silence.  It doesn’t have to be complicated.  It’s so simple it makes it complicated.  Live.  Breath in the air that God so graciously supplied you and stand up.  Go the places you wanted.  Live your moment.  I’ll be perfectly satisfied at the end of my life to know that I refused to just trudge on.  If I have kids, I’ll take them on the adventures with me.  Show them that they have all the life in the world.  Show them just how significant but tiny we are in this world.  Who says living is just a series of steps.  Roll out your carpet of memories and scars and dark and lights and get going.  Make yourself dizzy with anticipation of the next second.  And never feel sorry for the time you’ve had so far.  Let this moment roll on until it becomes a lifetime.  Let one moment expand into your entire life, and value each, tiny memory and second contained within.

 

giphy

You only have one moment.  Now use it.

Quote is by Confucius.

“To me it all looks like it’s monotone.”

What is the worst feeling you’ve ever felt in your entire life?  For some it may be love, just because of the experiences they’ve had with it.  For others it may be sadness, perhaps because they lost a loved one.  For me though, it’s much more of a complicated feeling than just sadness.  It’s the threshold of emotional pain where you can feel your heart breaking, but you can’t feel any tears welling up.  Your eyes are dry, staring into the abyss of unfocused scenes, while your fist is so tightly clenched into the fabric over your chest, as if trying to reach in and strangle the pain out of your heart.  It’s loneliness, depression, sadness, and heartbreak all rolled up into one bittersweet package of unpredictability.  You never know what might trigger it.  Your day might be so wonderful, filled with laughter, joy, and smiles, but something reminds you and suddenly it clenches its cold fist around your soul and squeezes all the joy out.  The strangest things might trigger it, too.  For me, sure ways to trigger it are certain shows, examining my past, and Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata.  Those things will bring me to this place where the color just drains from everything around me and all I can feel is dismal.  The shows are because I see myself and my pain in specific characters or in certain situations.  It happens when I examine my past because there is no physical way for me to not hit a memory where I had felt that exact same emptiness or sorrow.  As for Moonlight Sonata, it is the only song that can bring the feeling on without even a shadow of a doubt.  I could listen to it on repeat and never have my heart fully shatter.  The notes are just so haunting.  They haunt me just like this feeling in my chest does every single day of my life.  I can feel that sweet pain every moment of my life, even though I suppress it with all my might, and this song just rips the covering off of that old wound and lets it bleed anew.  I feel so sad, so lonely, so cold, but the tears won’t come out even though I want them too.  Oh god how I want them to.  Tears are the release to this misery, but not even one will develop in my eye.  Why can’t I cry?  All I can do is stare at the wall, letting this pain seep into my very bones and poison me to the center of my being.  There will never be a way to get rid of it.  I have been tainted by this.  But then, suddenly the song changes to something near joy and my heart awakes in surprise.  It had been so sad just a moment ago, but now it’s notes bounce up and down in the rhythm to a fast waltz.  The kind you do spinning around your living room with a smile on your face while no one is watching.  Then suddenly it changes again.  Now the song is rapid, panicked, dramatic.  You can see a pianist at the piano his eyes tightly shut and his jaw clenched as he enters a state none of us can understand.

The truth to why I love Moonlight Sonata is that it is a written melody of our lives.  You are empty, but then you fill that pain with joy, and then that joy will switch to sweaty necessity to work, to be heard, to dance, to live.  It is so true that I am tainted by this hole in my soul, but I will never let that define me.  I am haunted, but I am alive.  I am no ghost of my past, or my pain, or my broken soul.  I am a living, breathing person with an ambition to become more.  That’s all we ever are.  We are shells filled with emotion and soul, but we choose what we let haunt us, and what we overcome.  One day I’ll cry.  One day I’ll cry and scream and throw my fists around and let it all come out.  Until then, I will live in this panic to be alive.  Just as all of us should.

74551c0dbd0e2ad84ab07ee507ac478de63da1b0_hq

I think I need to stop watching Your Lie in April now before I start hurting again.  That’s where the quote is from.

“It had been so long, she’d forgotten how to feel heartbreak. Now, though, the tears are coming out so fast and so hot that she can barely breath from the pain.”

Air coming out in ragged gasps of sweet nostalgia

Hair flapping like wings extending towards the sun

Smile curved over her face like a crack into heaven

And arms moving so smooth like a crane taking flight

 

Such freedom in your motion

Such passion in your voice

Such salty heartbreak on your words

And such a future riding on those notes

 

I never thought I’d feel my heart break and soar

All at the same time as I sit and merely watch

As you take the stage of newer life

And lead me on an adventure like none before

 

Somehow your words make me feel alive

And all the past seems to be in black and white

But the future is on fire with a color I’ve never seen

Somewhere between a raging storm and the still Autumn day

 

So, let me feel your passion ride through my veins

Let my eyes sparkle just as brightly as you in this moment

For the blaze you’ve sparked in my soul

Burns with a passion and greatness I’ve never known

 

Today I started on an anime I’ve been putting off for a very long time.  And, yes, I know what you’re thinking.  Ugh, cartoons.  But this anime is one of the kind that I fall in love with.  I’ve heard so much about it that it’s reputation proceeds itself, but the anime itself is to die for.  Behind the entire show is the clear message that strikes such a note in my soul.  You are who you are in each moment, and every moment should be used to its absolute fullest.  Even more, though, for artists, our goal is to express the feelings, emotions, and scenery behind each moment of our lives, whether it be a drawing, a poem, a song, a dance, or, in this case, a musical instrument.

My favorite part of the entire anime has to be right in its opening theme, though.  We watch before the song even gets into full swing, our female protagonist attempt to throw flower petals into the air, slip, fall, laugh, and throw the petals on the ground into the air from her fallen position.  Its such a strong punch in the gut to me in a weird way.  So many people think that falling down is the end of their reign, the end of their moment, the end of their success, but that’s only if you let it be.  The song doesn’t end just because you stop playing it.  It is your choice of whether or not you continue a moment and live it to its fullest instead of cutting it off after one bad step.  You can choose to let your failure define you, or make your failure your strength.  All any of us want is to be remembered, right? So, if you fall down, that is the most crucial moment to decide how you are remembered.  Are you the pitiful beast who laid down in defeat, or did you laugh and roll in the flower petals.  Passion.  Passion.  Let it exist in your heart.  Let it rush through every fiber of your being, your soul, your heart.  Show them that there is someone rushing towards a brighter future.  Let your legacy be that you took advantage of your failures and made yourself into someone better, someone happy.  Express your soul in every note, every word, every letter, every smile, every look, every single second of your existence and all the milliseconds in between.  Never let them forget you.  No, scratch that.  Make them wish they could forget you, but happy that they can’t.  You are already great, but now make yourself better.  Whatever excuse you had holding you back, get rid of it.  Not enough time? Make more.  You can’t do it? No, you won’t do it.  You’re out of breath? Take a deep breath of that sweet, dusty oxygen and get back up.  It’s not anyone else you are doing this for.  You are doing this for yourself.  You can do it.  It is your decision.  This is your fist fight, so keep punching.  Let that nostalgia, grief, heartbreak, and pain pour out through your eyes and replace it with the passion, the fire, the determination, and the soul to keep pushing.  You aren’t who you were ten seconds ago.  Now is a new moment.  Now.

In the meantime, I’ll keep pouring my soul into every letter on the page.  I may not be very pretty, and I’m ok at other things, but my words are my soul.  I don’t believe the soul is something invisible.  You are the one who paints it all different colors for the rest of the world to see.  Make a new shade of brilliance.  Name it passion.  I’ll call mine imagination.  How does that sound?

p35l

In case you’re wondering, the anime I was talking about is called Your Lie in April.  Sad but tragically beautiful.  Quote is from my book Game of Life.

“Destiny is something we tell ourselves so that we have an explanation of why we change so easily.”

It is a sunny, warm day for us

Sitting across the table with mugs clutched firm

Window seat where the sunlight brightens my hair

And your eyes are set gold by the glow

 

Our eyes meet and a smile spreads over my face

“It’s been a long time.” Your eyes sparkle at me

I nod slowly as I feel the warmth of your presence return

Finally, we can let go of who we were

 

I think an important lesson everyone has to learn is to let go.  I’m not talking love or anything like that, I think I already covered that.  I’m talking about letting go of who you used to be.  Letting go of the past that goes along with that other self.  People change so much and so easily over their lives, but we often miss how much we have because we’re too much in a hurry to get to the next point in our lives.  Recently, I’ve been evaluating the person I was three years ago with the woman I am today.  So much has changed in me.  Not only have I become a woman, but I became an entirely new person.  The first stage, I shed my awkward, shy self and became this boisterous, bouncing, always happy girl.  But then I realized how actually unhappy it made me to pretend to be happy.  I’d removed one mask only to put on another one.  I think in a way, you’re never going to be able to shed your entire mask all the time, but that doesn’t mean it has to become part of your face.  You should be able to put up and take down your walls and take off the mask whenever you feel comfortable with it.  It was only recently that I discovered this, and became able to identify and understand my own feelings towards the world around me.  Now, I’ve changed once again into a new person capable of being strong, happy, but also calm, collected, and at peace with myself.  Life is a series of boxes, and you climb in and out of them until you find the right one.  I found one, but it wasn’t big enough for two to share.  I’m not ready to move boxes quite yet, though.  I like this little box of mine with it’s crayon windows and doors.  It’s a cozy, quiet place to collect my thoughts.

I know that one day soon, the depression will come rearing its ugly head once more and trying to tear my box up, but I know that I am able to fight it on my own.  I think its important not to rely on anyone too much for your own happiness while you’re still young or depression will snatch you up easily.  People make their own happiness from the attitude they project and the things they do.  Everyone has the power to change their destiny to make themselves happy.  You can only truly obtain that happiness, though, if you let go of the mistakes you made in the past.  The person you were yesterday is not the person you are right now.  In the next three years, I might find a new box to fit two, or maybe just a box to fit all my books.  Either way, I’ve let go of the person yesterday and moved on to shaping the person I’ll be tomorrow.  That makes me happy.

night_maker_by_destinyblue-d8gjdum

“Destiny is something we tell ourselves so that we have an explanation of why we change so easily.”~Avana Black from Dark Energy: Lanoria.  (Picture by DestinyBlue on Deviantart.)